After the apprenticeship, I became a hater

Chapter 130 Restoring memory

Before I actually met the succubus "Xie Wan", I never thought about it in this direction.

But the moment I saw the appearance of the succubus "Xie Wan", I didn't have any doubts about the picture that suddenly squeezed into my sea of ​​consciousness.

Just as these memories should belong to me, the "Xie Wan" sealed under the frozen lake is inseparable from me.

It's a wonderful feeling.

"Xie Wan" is me, my missing soul, and another me in this world.

I am him, and "Xie Wan" is Xie Wan.

On the frozen lake, the sentence that Luo Wuchen blurted out but had no time to say, the words that I interrupted, were completed in my heart.

"You and he are actually one and the same. ’ What he wanted to say was this.

Luo Wuchen explained to me more than once, he said, "I have never regarded you as a substitute for anyone."

He said to me, "You are Xie Wan, just Xie Wan."

Yes.

He didn't see me as someone's stand-in, he didn't lie to me.

The blood in his chest surged violently in an instant.

It's like a hand is pinching my heart, and it's still tightening, stuffy, painful, suffocating, painful...

After lying to "me" for so long, Luo Wuchen finally didn't lie to me.

but……

But after knowing the truth, after knowing the various entanglements between Luo Wuchen and "Xie Wan", these became irrelevant instead.

All the while, I had a strange feeling.

Why, I would repel myself to fall in love with Luo Wuchen like that...

In that way, he avoids accepting Luo Wuchen in every possible way.

Many times, I asked myself, what on earth was I thinking?

But always can not get the exact answer.

I feel that my heart seems to be blinded by something, the feeling of being hazy and sticky is very strange, and it also makes me uncontrollably bored.

I kept pushing Luo Wuchen away, and kept blocking my heart.

Simply because I couldn't fool myself.

Because I just like Luo Wuchen.

No reason, but can not give up.

As for Luo Wuchen's attitude towards me, it's not impossible to see that he likes me.

like……

I know he likes me, but I don't believe he really likes me.

Therefore, even though Luo Wuchen and I obviously like each other, we cannot avoid drifting away.

Luo Wuchen and I seem to be separated by an impenetrable thick fog, we can see each other, but we cannot see each other's hearts clearly.

At that time, I didn't understand, I couldn't figure it out, and I didn't know why I was going to such a deadlock.

And now, I finally understand.

It is "I" who warns me in the dark.

What can be more convincing than what you have experienced yourself?

No more.

I can't tell what it's like to feel in my heart.

【Xie Wan, never fall in love with Luo Wuchen. 】

A voice kept repeating this sentence in my head, over and over again, until I had a splitting headache.

The fist on my knee was clenched tightly, and the sharp pain made me more conscious.

[Don't... put your love on one person. 】

The emotions that surged up slowly fell down again.

The world of "Xie Wan" is very small, all love and hate are tied to only one person, and he only has Luo Wuchen.

He spent his entire life, but he couldn't break free from the shackles that imprisoned him in a square inch.

But I am not.

I am "Xie Wan", but not just Xie Wan.

I looked blankly at the void in front of me, and slowly curled myself into a small ball at the base of the dark wall.

From the moment I stepped onto the frozen lake and saw the "Xie Wan" under the frozen lake, memories that did not belong to me, pictures hidden behind the mist squeezed into my sea of ​​consciousness.

In a trance, I heard my own voice.

"As long as it is given to Wanwan by Master, Wanwan will like it. 』The youthful "I" looked at Luo Wuchen with light in his eyes, and his voice was brisk, with attachment and love that couldn't be hidden.

That is the memory of "Xie Wan".

As these memories poured out, the pictures hidden behind the fog gradually became clear, and scenes emerged before my eyes.

I saw a stranger to me, a "me" I had never seen before.

"I" looked up, looking at Luo Wuchen's eyes full of attachment and trust, "It's okay, I forgive you. 』

The admiration, longing, and aspirations of more than ten years seem to be what happened yesterday.

One pile, one piece is vivid.

But in the end, what "I" thought was that he was nice to "I", but it was just a scam, a joke from beginning to end.

When the picture changed, he was suppressed, bullied, and suffering. The light in his eyes was still burning towards the sun, but gradually dimmed when he knew that he was just Luo Wuchen's love disaster.

I saw the light in the eyes of "I" go out little by little, like the heart that once beat violently for Luo Wuchen but died.

Joy, sorrow, despair... All kinds of emotions were stagnant in my heart, which made it difficult for me to breathe. I closed my eyes as if to escape.

don't...

I don't want to know anymore.

I don't want to look any further.

But those pictures that carry the memory of "Xie Wan", the emotions and joys of "Xie Wan" are still squeezed into my consciousness, forcing me to see more——

"I won't go back with you, just treat me as dead." When speaking, the "I" with a heart like ashes.

Then to "Anyway, I won't live long, there is no need to let me die in front of your eyes." 』Mingming’s chest hurts so badly that he can hardly breathe, but the “I” with such a calm expression.

"I don't want you anymore. 』

The numb look, the dim eyes that couldn't see a ray of light, and the glaring blood gushing from "I".

"I don't owe you anything. 』

What kind of desperation is it that can make the "I" who is the most greedy for life and fears death and pain the most, cut off his own leg with his own hands, and voluntarily jump off the Zhuxian Terrace?

I do not know.

Obviously it was "Xie Wan" who jumped off Zhuxiantai, and "Xie Wan" was the one who narrowly escaped death, but my pain did not decrease at all.

I just felt a chill pass through my limbs, freezing my internal organs into icy lumps of meat.

Not only bones, flesh and blood, but even my three souls and seven souls were all frozen.

And what happened next proved that jumping off Zhuxiantai and dying at that time was the best ending for "Xie Wan".

Being forcibly taken back to Zetianzong, imprisoned in Killing Peak, with no freedom and no self-esteem, the nerves of "I" are always tense, like a bowstring that is forcibly stretched, facing a situation that may collapse at any time.

"If you want to kill me, can you do it quickly..."

"...don't torture me anymore. 』

"I" obviously tried so hard to live, but in the end I still couldn't hold on.

"...Why..." My emotions had completely collapsed, and I said incoherently, "...Why didn't you kill me. 』

Can't escape, can't break free, can't resist, can't save myself...

"I will kill you, one day... I will definitely kill you..." The voice of "I" was hoarse and ugly, like the howling of a trapped animal when it was dying.

"I was wrong," "I" lost his eyes, tears rolled down his cheeks, and murmured in a daze, "I... I shouldn't have escaped, I shouldn't have been disobedient..."

"Please, I beg you, don't... Husband, I beg you to believe me, I really didn't lie to you, I didn't..." I didn't betray you, I didn't, I didn't...

Every time, "I" thought I had seen the deepest despair, "I" could always be defeated by deeper despair.

"don't want……"

The voice of "I" became softer and weaker.

"Let me go..."

The dripping blood bubbling out from the body of "I", the temperature passing from the body of "I", the sincere and hot love, the strong and deep-seated hatred...

The jumping picture froze, like a mirror that had reached the end of collapse, shattered into thousands of fragments before my eyes.

"——!" I panted quickly and opened my eyes.

I……

I remember everything——

What belongs to "Xie Wan" also belongs to my own past.

My heart was beating violently, I was gasping for breath, my shortness of breath and my over-beating heart gave me a feeling almost like colic.

The pain forced me to bend over, I was gasping for breath, almost retching from the pain.

The life of "Xie Wan" is very short, not even a fraction of Xie Wan's life. His ending is fixed and cannot be changed.

Because... I clenched my fists tremblingly. He had already died in a dystocia three years ago.

It was as if icy rain was pouring over the sky, cooling me from the inside to the outside, but it calmed down my mind like never before.

The life of "Xie Wan" ended three years ago, but Xie Wan is still alive.

Alive, the future has infinite possibilities.

In all futures, there will never be Luo Wuchen.

I will never allow myself to have any more entanglements with Luo Wuchen.

Dawn drives out the night, and the twilight of the morning sun penetrates the layers of branches and leaves and falls on me.

Its daybreak.

I should go too.

Outside the bamboo house, Luo Wuchen was carrying the cold air of the ice lake, standing outside my room like an ice sculpture.

As soon as I opened the door, I met Luo Wuchen's gaze.

Luo Wuchen's eyes stared straight at me without any focus, as if he was wandering away.

All of a sudden, his eyelashes trembled slightly, and the thin melted frost fell from his eyelashes, like a teardrop sliding down the corner of his eyes.

"Are you leaving? Xie Wan." Luo Wuchen asked softly, his voice stiff as if it had been frozen by something.

My eyelids drooped, hiding all emotion in my eyes, "Yes."

The tragic lesson of "Xie Wan" is close at hand, and I should always learn some lessons from it.

"I've been bothering you all day, I should say goodbye." My expression didn't fluctuate at all, and my voice was as calm as water.

After saying that, I passed Luo Wuchen and walked outside.

"Xie Wan!" Luo Wuchen hugged my waist from behind, "Don't go!"

"Chang'an misses you very much, stay here, don't leave..." Luo Wuchen's voice gradually dropped, like a faint wind passing by my ear, he whispered: "I really miss you , late at night..."